Infinite Monkeys Publishing
Welcome to Infinite Monkeys Publishing! We exist to bring readers quality fiction, non-fiction, humor, and poetry that might be impossible to otherwise find. We also exist to help authors reach readers without going two out of three falls with the traditional publishing industry, and without selling a sister to the carnival in order to self-publish. We publish exclusively via this website and invite you to browse it at your leisure. At Infinite Monkeys Publishing there is never any charge for browsing our authors' offerings. If you enjoy yourself and want to compensate an author for his or her work that would be charming, and it would certainly earn you a place in heaven, or at least on a beach in Fiji. If you want to carry away something from this site, PDF versions of our authors' works may be purchased for a nominal charge. We thought about selling versions in FORTRAN, but that's a little too esoteric even for us. (For those who aren't devotees of obscure computer facts, FORTRAN is a dead computer language, just like Sumerian is a dead real person language. However, we're pretty sure that people once dreamt in Sumerian, while only a few twisted souls have dreamt in FORTRAN.)
At any rate, please enjoy the Infinite Monkeys Publishing site. We'd love to hear any suggestions you have for us, and to make suggestions simply Contact Us. Our authors, like all creative people, are insecure and socially awkward, so they absolutely live for the feedback they receive about their work. If you would like to offer them commentary, please just Contact Them through the Publisher, who will forward them only the comments guaranteed to break their hearts.
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I Remember When Pessimism Was Fun - A Publisher's Note
I’ve decided that pessimism has been given a bad name by Big Damn Whiners. Now, I’m sure that pessimists like me indeed die younger than our optimist friends. We’re not as happy either, as I think objective evidence like frowning and the compulsion to create unnecessary spreadsheets demonstrates. But the joy of pessimism has been ruined by all those people who cry about every little thing like they were piglets with their foot caught in a fence.
The traditional pessimist/optimist analogy involves the half full glass. As you know, the optimist sees the glass half full, and the pessimist sees it half empty. Big Damn Whiners jump up and down and moan on Facebook because there probably won’t be any enchanted fairy nectar in the glass. Then they want a hug and somebody to waste part of their precious life playing Farmville with them, just to keep them from whining any more. Yet they get lumped in with pessimists.
By the way, optimists have the same problem on the other end. Optimism has been almost ruined by an infestation of Human Cocker Spaniels. Going back to the glass analogy, Human Cocker Spaniels bounce around and send a barrage of tweets about how they’ll never be thirsty again and how the glass might hold magic water that would let them turn into a well-endowed vampire mermaid with wings. But that’s the optimists’ problem, so to hell with them.
I’d like to see Big Damn Whiners split off from pessimists into their own category, much like the Emmy Awards have grouped reality shows into separate categories so they won’t pollute the other TV programs. I don’t mind being seen as cynical, doubtful, and suspicious, because that comes along with almost always being right—or at least more right than the optimists. I do mind being labeled as a self-centered, hectoring cry baby. That just sucks. Come on, who’s going to get laid more: cynical, suspicious Han Solo, or self-centered, whiny C3PO? If your answer is C3PO, this may not be the right blog for you.
In the end, I realize that only pessimists care about this distinction, and as a pessimist, I acknowledge that not even pessimists care enough to do a damn thing about it. Changing the way people think about this would take a lot of effort, and not that many people would buy into it anyway, and then they’d get distracted by a video of frolicking goats that’s not as cute as the video of frolicking giraffes, and heck, all that effort would be better spent on something like promoting home gardening anyway, right? So, to hell with it. I’ll eat another cookie and update my retirement planning spreadsheet.
Sometimes being a pessimist is so easy. No matter what the Big Damn Whiners say.
Random Cool Quote of the Day
To do our part in promoting culture and reflective thought, Infinite Monkeys Publishing brings you Random Cool Quotes. We update our quotes every Wednesday.
"The philosophy 'in for a penny, in for a pound' can be quite challenging to maintain, however the rewards may also be well worth the endeavor."
—Sharon W. Helms
Browse our Random Cool Quotes History
Fiction at Infinite Monkeys!
Please sample any of these fiction selection here at Infinite Monkeys Publishing—and please leave comments so we know what you think!
Today's Vicious Epithet
To do our part in promoting civility through mutually assured destruction, Infinite Monkeys Publishing brings you Vicious Epithets. These are updated every Monday, unless we feel like messing with you.
"That Jerk-Tongued Toad could insult an iron fence post and never even know it."
submitted by Frank Pemberton
Browse our Vicious Epithets History